Apr 9

Apr 9 I don't want to have children

non-motherhood, parenting, family, women's health

I'm going to be 40 this year, and have no intention of having children. Growing up, I never saw my future with my own children in. I'd picture a home, partner, travel, family around me and children, but they weren't mine. People say "I've always wanted to be a Mum" and I simply haven't ever felt that. That doesn't mean I haven't felt the hormonal urges, they are frankly weird and strange to me. At the time one of my sisters had just given birth, I was almost "convinced" into trying for a child, by my ex-husband. He wanted children, I had never said I wanted to have them and had been honest about my views. I was completely unprepared for the complete and immediate love I would feel for my nephew. It made me wonder for a while, whether I did want children after all. I didn't. My thoughts on it have remained consistent; I do not feel the act of bearing and birthing a child, and raising one of my own is something I need or want to do.

But you'd be a great Mum, it will be such a shame if you don't have any children.

Other people's opinions weigh in large on this subject, in a way they wouldn't on pretty much every other life-choice you make! I wonder if this is because some feel they are being judged for their choices, which isn't the case. You want to have children- cool, I'm happy for you, I'll probably like your children! I decide I don't want to, the initial comment I get (along with a pitying face) is "Oh, you can't have any? My friend Anna has the same, have you tried fertility treatment......etc etc etc." I may not be able to have children, I don't know. I haven't fallen pregnant at any point, and it's irrelevant to me to know how fertile I am, because I don't want to conceive.

Then there's the disappointment. Some of my family, understandably had their own disappointment that they wouldn't get to be awesome relatives to our fictional children. I understand that. I've heard "but you'll be a great Mum, it will be such a shame if you don't have any children." This is where it starts to become about the other person. My decision not to have children is complex and also very simple. I don't feel there are good enough reasons to bring another life into the world. My life and existence as a human and particularly a woman, is not any less because I am not going to be a mother. My life will not be half-lived, or lacking, or missing one key element. Telling me that you cannot imagine your life without your children, doesn't tell me anything other than a judgement of my choices/concern that I'm judging yours for not making the same choice! You can't imagine life without them, of course. It's impossible to turn back time, and I'm sure most wouldn't want to. The love, friendship, discovery, dependence, fun, heartbreak, learning that comes from these little people is cool. Here's the thing- I don't need to physically give birth to my own children, to demonstrate Mothering. I am still able to nurture, provide, support, guide, encourage, empower, love, show vulnerability, live alongside children, young adults and adults. It's not the same, no. But my experience does not need to be the same as anyone else's to be valid.

Ah, you're selfish and you want your time and money to be your own, I get it.

Yes, someone did actually say that to me, in an interview can you believe....?! It seems almost an alien concept to some, that I can choose not to do something. We do it all the time. Choose not to eat meat. Choose not to wear paisley print. Choose not to have an ill-advised fringe cut in. Choose not to have children. If I'm not "all in" then I don't think that's the best grounding to make another life.

Then there are the passive-aggressive comments, I'd say look away if......but actually I really think everyone ought to be aware of these, so sorry not sorry. "How are you? YOU'RE tired?! (Scoffs) Try getting up 3 times in the night and then tell me you're tired." Ok, we all have a different schedule, different demands, health, familial, life, financial, emotional needs, strains and pressures. One persons is not more valid than another's. And I say this fully holding my hands up to times in my life where I have done the same, recently. Our sister died last year, she took her own life. (I'll talk about this at some point but not today.) It has taken up until the last month or so- honestly- for me to stop feeling irritated at other peoples complaints and what I perceived to be petty issues. How can anyone else's drama compare? So here's what I've learnt...It can't, other people all have their own trauma, life events, anguish, joys, celebrations, excitement and these move along completely regardless of mine. So they should. That doesn't mean I don't care about them, it means that I haven't been able to feel compassion as vividly as I previously would have, because all my emotional availability is taken up.

Everyone will say stupid, insensitive things, get it wrong, I have, do and will. On the subject of not raising children however, a polite and important request not to invalidate other people's struggles. They may not seem big to you, but as relationships are built on compassion and sharing, it's pretty great when people demonstrate that.

My niece Emily, who is becoming an incredible, strong, open and loving woman. I am so happy to know her, be her friend, tell her to "give over", to tell her she's doing great and encourage her when it's ok to tell people to "do one!"

I like children, I like parents, I am so in awe of how you are raising mini-humans, and frankly don't know how you can do it. I am also respectful of women and men who can't and will never fill that ache, and understand they may feel annoyed that some choose not to use their body to bear a child. I am also aligned with those who choose not to be parents, for whatever their own reasons are.

Mel

Reasons I think I'm a great non-parent:

Pretty great to go out with and not talk about parenting-related topics.
Also ok to talk with about these, and will have crowd-sourced anecdotal experience from many sources.
Strong purchaser of books for all occasions, irrespective of whether a child "likes" books, because books.
Keeps a well-stocked treat jar in the house, full of kinder, lollies etc. (Get out if your kids can never have sugar.)
Will concur with you about why your kids are gross, reason 249.
Definitely going to comfort your child and create an ally, by telling them I also think you're unfair (when you don't let them have another biscuit.)
Can keep you abreast of frivolous shite which will amuse or make you feel grateful you don't have these things to worry about.