Knowing my self worth. Escaping and staying away from a toxic, damaging relationship.
I’ve thought about this so many times. Searching the answers through countless conversations with friends and family until they are completely bored shitless, still waiting for the eureka moment which never came. How do you pick yourself up fully, and move on from a devastating long term relationship? Where you truly believed you were set up for life?
18 months on and I’m still receiving the occasional text from my ex-partner apologising profusely, or ‘have a chat’ for the umpteenth time this year. (Mainly when he’s caught wind that I’ve been dating someone new) and without having realised it - I was trapped in a toxic relationship.
I never really knew what ‘toxic’ meant. I just figured it was the norm to be throwing avocados at your partners head (middle class) when cooking the dinner, or forgetting what it was like to feel loved and cherished. At night, in bed turning to cuddle your partner, only to be told ‘fuck off - I’m already comfortable.’
Still for some reason, despite the crippling heartache and incredible amount of hurt this person has put me through, despite attempting to move on and find happiness again, I’m still keeping a part of me for my ex. I’m almost paralysed with fear of moving on. And there’s the constant pressure on you, to be moving on the ‘right way.’ What even is that??! And why does it feel like society is always telling us what we need to be doing?
Rejection in general is a horrible thing to go through, and I’ve found the older I’m getting, the harder it is.
I’m taking rejection very personally and letting it affect me. I’ve tried positive affirmations, blocking numbers/blocking contact via social media. Only to have a relapse and let my mind take control again, unblocking and continuing the emotional torture of communicating with him. Letting him back into my home and in the past - my bed, often with catastrophic results every time more painful than the last. To be told you're still wanted & missed, when you're very clearly not- is awful.
He was always exceptionally good looking, arrogance in buckets. Underneath all of that, a complete childlike vulnerability which melted my heart, each and every time he continued to fuck up. Like teenager, I allow his looks to mask the fact that actually he’s an utter wanker.
But he doesn’t mean to fuck up. ‘It’s not intentional Lucy’ he would often say.
The few beers that got out of hand after work, where I was sat in waiting for his return resulting in a 3am finish, and throwing up kebab in the bed- wasn’t "intentional". The nights out that end up in him not coming home, despite promising he would, and me driving around in my pjs at 4am still trying to find him - not "intentional". Him asking to get back together, then going away on holiday to ‘chill’ - but instead went partying and admitted to sleeping with a Swedish girl. Getting drunk and so jealous of another man looking at me (whom I used to date) that he unzipped the front of my dress open, in front of people in a busy bar- not "intentional".. you get the gist.
I looked in the mirror recently and I thought I’m really looking old. I’m a complete shadow of my former self. I’ve lost taking care of myself - drawn out. Spotty skin. Sunken and puffed eyes from crying. But it’s OK to do that. It’s OK to cry and feel like shit, but it’s not OK to let that take over. I’ve been to counselling for over a year now and I’ve lost my zest and trust in anyone. I’m closed off. Defensive and cynical.
However I should never let the fact that a man was too emotionally immature and unstable to commit, make me look at myself and wonder what I did wrong. Because I didn’t do anything wrong. I loved him.
After 18 months, I feel now is the time to stop pining and sacrificing, time and time again for a mans sexual gratification and not putting my own needs first. To stop blaming myself for it not going the way I wanted. And to stop blaming myself for him not being mature enough to love me. To value me. To see the incredible loyal, funny, warm, honest and intelligent woman that I am. Stop thinking that I'm not worth more than this.
Squash the marriage and baby ideas I so desperately wanted with him. Say "see ya" to the pipe dream of the mortgage, and amazing adventure trips around the world. The sex. Leave it in the past where he belongs. So what? - it didn’t happen. It doesn’t mean that it never will.
I am nearly 33 now and I now live alone in a (small but perfectly formed) rented flat and it’s a serious struggle. I constantly feel I’m not good enough - I’ve failed. I have no mortgage. I’m in ALOT of debt. I constantly fret that I should have my shit together by now!! On the surface it looks like I do. Underneath I most definitely don’t. Actually - why do I need to have a mortgage to be successful?? I like to think I’m a lone woman doing it my way. (Yes I might have to eat freezer food the week before payday...but hey, I’m an independent woman). I worry when I see all of my friends having children, that my time to be a mother won’t come around. I panic late at night a lot. He has affected every contact with a new person I’ve ever tried to date, dropping in when he’s heard I am with someone, to allegedly try and make amends.
However enough is enough - I need to stop letting him take centre-stage, a leading role in every single chapter of this story book which is MY life.
Otherwise guess what - my life just isn’t going anywhere. But meanwhile, he is, he’s carrying on and living his life without a care in the world. I cannot and will not consider taking him back again. My mental health deserves so much more.
My mother said to me once, which still echos in me, ‘you’ve not got precious, precious time to waste. So spend it wisely.’
... and let’s face it, Mums ALWAYS know best.
You can catch up with Lucy at https://www.instagram.com/lu_ellen_a/
